Is John Cougar Mellencamp indulging in payola?


When you have a long commute, as I do, you end up listening to the radio a lot. I have contemplated making some sweet mixtapes to make the roughly 325 miles I drive each week a joy-filled musical extravaganza of sounds, combinations of songs and lyrics heretofore unexplored. I think everyone's looking for that perfect mix, the kind with songs that just take over your body and force out all other thoughts but the song. The song controls you, and you like it. For me, two such songs are "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails and "American Woman" by the Guess Who. But I lack motivation and know-how. So it's the radio for me, and as I cannot stand listening to (most) talk radio in the morning (Eric and Kathy make me long for death) it's a lot of channel surfing for me. This means my musical standards go way, way down. I'll listen to pretty much anything. One thing I have noticed? John Cougar Mellencamp is UBIQUITOUS on the radio these days. On average each day, I hear at least three of his songs. It's like Jack and Diane dancing naked fighting the law (which won, incidentally)in Pink Houses on a lonely 'ol night that manages to also be a wild night full of cherry bombs. Or something. It's insane. So I've decided that Mr. John Mellencamp has been paying off DJs, perhaps in pizza, perhaps in Diane's, to play his songs. There is no other explanation. Just picture it ...

Scene: An empty radio station, early morning. The morning DJ (let's call him Mack in the Morning) has just arrived, bleary-eyed and clutching his morning coffee. He's never gotten used to the early morning shift, despite having been a morning jock for years. He shuffles in slowly, and eases gratefully into his little spinning chair near the microphone. He snags the day's playlist and is about to slide his lusciously padded, "radio DJ" headphones onto his weary head when he notices something is amiss ... the playlist has been altered!

Mack in the Morning: whaahuh? John Cougar Mellencamp ...?

He notices that three currently popular songs have been replaced with songs recorded by John Cougar Mellencamp. Something nefarious is clearly afoot. He makes a move to cross the songs off the list, when suddenly he hears a rasping sound behind him. He looks up, and is tackled by John Cougar Mellencamp, who is foaming at the mouth!

John Cougar Mellencamp: IT"S JUST JOHN MELLENCAMP, YOU IGNORANT PRICK. And if you cross off even one of my songs, Mellencamp will end you! YOU HEAR ME? I WILL END YOU, I WILL FUCKING END YOU.

Mack in the Morning is badly frightened, but as he is a morning DJ, he is also a cocky SOB. He bounces back quickly from the fear.

MiiM: What? Are you serious? I thought you lived in like, Bloomington ... you can't be that tough, John Cougar Mellencamp. I mean ... Johnny Cougar? Then John Cougar Mellencamp? Now just John Mellencamp? Identity crisis, much?

In response, Mellencamp promptly puts Mack in a sleeper hold. When Mack wakes up 8 minutes later, Mellencamp is sitting on the floor next to his head, staring at him and gleefully snacking on a bag of Funions. Mack is deeply shaken. He now knows that Mellencamp means business, and he is prepared to do whatever it takes to get him to leave him alone.

MiiM: Whaa? What do you want, John Mellencamp?! Please, just tell me what it is that you want.

Mellencamp stares at Mack in silence. He pulls a Funion out of his bag, looks meaningfully at Mack, then snaps it in half abrubtly.

Mack jumps, startled. He then tries to appease the Mellencamp.

MiiM: So anyway, man, nice to see you in person, you look terrific. And are those Funions? Good choice man, they really put the fun in onion ... anyway, what can I do for you?

Mellencamp: I. want. you. to. play. my. songs. Got.it.?

MiiM: Well you know, John, I'd be happy to, but I don't really make those decisions around here ... oh my god! (Mellencamp has begun to advance) Yes, yes, of course I will play your songs. All of them. Whenever you want. Be happy to.

Mellencamp nods. Brushing Funion crumbs off his shirt, he gets up to leave. Before he does, he looks down at Mack, huddled on the floor. He stands over him and nudges him in the ribs with his steel-toed boot. He pulls a wad of cash from his wallet and throws it on top of Mack. Then, his face contorts into the most awful sneer, and he leans over ... and spits. Covered in Mellencamp spittle, Mack curls up into the fetal position and chokes back tears.

Mellencamp: Keep the change, you filthy animal!

Mellencamp exits.

MiiM: Did John Mellencamp just reference Home Alone? What a tool.

That's really the only explanation.

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Personal Story of Embarrassment: When in college, I was a DJ at WPGU. When I first started, I worked overnights. After a certain time , the station locked automatically to protect the precious DJs inside from unruly fans. One fine morning, I was there at about 4:30 a.m., at which point the morning paper was delivered. Bored with listening to Tool songs and trying to think of clever witticisms that no one would be listening to anyway, I went outside to retrieve it. Instead of leaning out the door to grab the paper, I walked all the way outside. It was only when I heard the door shut behind me that I realized what I had done. Yes, I had locked myself out of the station ...

Needless to say, 15 minutes or so of dead airtime later, I was rescued and let back inside. But it was still quite awful. And a completely classic "Kristin" move.