I'm a Celebrity In My Own Mind...Does That Count?

OK, I admit it: I'm a little bit addicted to those reality shows featuring washed-up "celebrities" dancing or singing or skating or cooking or taking a crap. True, that last one hasn't been made into a show yet, but rest assured that FOX'll have it on the fall schedule. And I'll be the one perched on the edge of my couch, shushing everyone around me so I can hear the sweet sounds of the guy who played Vicki's brother on "Small Wonder" dropping trou.

There's just something about watching Ashley Parker Angel get all cutthroat about making a better pie than Patti LaBelle to recapture his "fame" for a few minutes before the next pointless celebrity reality show comes along and nobody cares about him anymore (I wouldn't fuck with Patti, Ashley. She hits below the belt).

ANYWAY, here is my question: What, exactly, do the producers of these shows define as a "celebrity?" The dictionary says a celebrity is "a famous or well-known person."

I would love to be a fly on the wall at some of these TV show idea pitching meetings:

Producer: OK, we get the guy who played the tubby White kid on The Cosby Show, and we pair him with David Blaine, see, and they do magic! And they compete against other actors and magicians! And the prize is getting to be David Blaine's assistant for a year!

TV Honcho: I love it!! Order 30 episodes!

Like, I get Dave Coulier being dubbed a celebrity for the purpose of Skating with Celebrities and The Surreal Life: 1) He played an iconic character on an iconic show. His Uncle Joey was a man of so many demensions--he was a man who could do a Popeye impression the likes of which the viewing public had never seen, but at the end of the day was still able to convince us that he was just a simple man who wanted only to tend to his mullet, play hockey and bang DJ in the basement. Such range, Coulier! Such depth! 2) He was the inspiration for the Alanis Morrisette classic "You Oughta Know." Yes, Alanis went down on Coulier in a theater (well, maybe). Gross, but still, that song rocks.

So Coulier, you get my vote as a celebrity. Or at least a once-upon-a-time celebrity. But producers of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!," having been married to J. Lo for all of nine months does not a celebrity make (i.e. Cris Judd, you are not a celebrity). Celebrity Fit Club, having a jackass of a son who MTV pays to be even more of a jackass does not a celebrity make (i.e. Phil Margera, you are not a celebrity).

I don't know, maybe I'm being too harsh. Perhaps my standards for celebritydom are too high. But then again, I kind of can't wait until K-Fed shows up in five years for Celebrity Tattoo Removal 5.

So, maybe not.