Words of Wisdom From Bally Nutrition

When I first joined Bally's last year, I got a free month-long online membership to their Web site. On the Web site, you could sign up to get health and weight loss tips over e-mail. I was like, hmm well, I can always use good ideas, why not sign up? Well ... these tips are not so much helpful, but many of them are comedy gold (at least to me). I have been saving them, and now I will share some favorites with you, as well as my thoughts on them.

When ordering a meal, or a high-calorie beverage, order the size that you would like to be. Would you like to be small, medium, large, or super sized? It is up to you! You make the choice. This is an easy way to limit your portion sizes while eating out. Remind yourself of what you want to look like when you're ordering your meal! You can do it! Order wisely while eating out and feel great about yourself.

Wow. Holy crap. This was the first tip that I got from them ... and possibly my favorite one as well. First of all, who the eff is going to be thinking "I want to be super sized?!" No one!! At least, not anyone WHO HAS SIGNED UP TO RECEIVE WEIGHT LOSS TIPS. Idiots. And also, anyone who has signed up for weight loss tips should probably NOT be ordering meals anyplace where super-size is an option. Nor should they be ordering high-calorie beverages!! What kind of dolts think to themselves "Well, I want to lose weight, so I must limit my calories. And also, I will waste a good portion of those calories on a beverage that will not fill me up or offer much nutritional value at all." Yeah.

Basically, this tip could be boiled down to one sentence: "If you want to lose weight, eat less food."

Spice up your life and your meal plan! Spices are a simple way to add flavor without the calories. Try adding cinnamon to your cereal and smoothies, or garlic powder to your green beans. Experiment with spices you've never used. Ever tried curry, cumin, tarragon, or ginger spice? Each of these spices has exotic tangs that can enrich any dish. Spices will open your taste buds up to a realm of flavors you never knew existed!

OK, so in theory, I can't fault this tip, adding spices IS a good way to make plain, or really healthy food, taste better while not adding too many calories, etc. But I have to disagree on one point ... I know that flavors such as curry, cumin, tarragon and ginger exist, Bally's. They're not that mysterious. Why do you assume I never used curry? Or cumin or tarragon? That's so RACIST, Bally's. Geesh. I'm disappointed.

Hmmmm, should I eat a donut or toast for breakfast? Each day we are faced with tough food decisions. From food billboard advertisements on our way to work, to food commercials while we are watching TV, we are constantly bombarded with fattening, high calorie food. Make the right decision. Think before you eat, and make sure the calories are worth it. If you're not sure of a food's caloric make-up, look it up on www.ballynutrition.com.

Wow. I shouldn't eat donuts if I want to lose weight?! Thanks for the insight, Bally's. And it's not a soul-draining decision to decide not to eat a donut. (I'm being overly cynical, I get their point and can appreciate the sentiment, but seriously? The intern who writes these was clearly slacking this week).

Do You BOSU? The BOSU Balance Trainer, one of the hottest new exercise devices around, has come to Bally Total Fitness clubs. The BOSU is a bubble-shaped apparatus placed on the floor. BOSU stands for "Both Sides Up," as both sides can be used, depending on your exercise goals. The BOSU can help improve general athletic performance, strength, body tone, balance and overall body awareness. For more information on the BOSU, contact your local Bally Total Fitness club.

This tip is a completely transparent product placement!!! I also hate acronyms that have an extra letter. I know Bo is from both, but then you have S for sides and U for up. That just doesn't make sense! That O is just in there to make it a pronouncable acronym. Grr. Also, I am sure it is a great workout, but when people use them, they just look like assholes. But not as big of assholes and those people with the giant sticks who walk slowly arond the track. Those people look dumb. But I'm sure their glutes look fantastic. Or whatever.

I have so many more but I have grown weary of typing.