Welcome to My Feelings Journal

I rarely, if ever, write anything personal on this blog. Actually, I don't think I ever really have, save for my feelings about John Mellencamp ... anyway. I recently re-read my old diary. It spans several years, but only has about seven entries. It is utterly ridiculous and I wish I had kept more diaries because, like most people's diaries, it is comedy gold.

Note: These pictures are from 8th grade graduation. I feel I look disturbingly the same.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are all the entries it contains. I have included my thoughts and insights from the present in italics.

Monday, Jan. 31, 1994 (age 12)

Today was a pretty good day. We had a dino-decorating contest. Sheila (name changed). pushed me in the snow. I wish I could be a lot skinnier. I am mad at Kelli. Tomorrow we have a musical program and Book Fair at school. I have a good idea for teaching the class. Bye!

I remember this dino-decorating contest, I believe they were cookies. Sheila was a huge bully and emotionally disturbed. She used to get technical fouls called on her in junior high basketball and she was always fouling out for knocking people down. In junior high girls' basketball! There is no need to get that intense. Also, she tried telling the class that her parents adopted a baby, and brought in pictures of said baby, but they were clearly pictures of herself as an infant. Also, also! In one shining moment of aggression in my shy life, she was mocking me for being in the Battle of the Books (which I won twice, OK?) and I said "Whatever, Sheila. Some day I am going to be a successful lawyer, and you will be shaking a tin can begging for change on the street, and I will walk right by you." That is a really bitchy thing for me to say, true, and I don't know where it came from. Kelli is my sister. I am not sure what I was mad at her about, but given that we were 12 and 15 and shared a room, we annoyed each other a lot.

Tuesday, February 1, 1994

Today was an okay day. We had to practice for the concert. More about the concert later. Bye for now!

I never updated, but the concert was a selection of songs from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which we later went to see. The hottest biblical musical to hit the Catholic school system in ... ever.

Thursday, February 10, 1994

Sorry I have not written. Yesterday I saw Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was good. I got opera glasses for $8. I am an (I can't read the word I wrote next - I had to do remedial handwriting exercises in grade three because my handwriting was so poor. It had improved by this time but still, no effing clue what I wrote. DIARY OF MYSTERY!!) Stephanie M. is so rude! I don't like her much.

We went to see Joseph at the Chicago Theater. There are naked ladies painted on the ceiling and the boys used my opera glasses to look at them. Stephanie M. was my best friend in kindergarten and together we ruled the school. Then we were not really friends but not not friends, you know, until all her friends dropped her in grade 7 and we became best friends, but when they came back she dropped me like a hot potato. Girls are nice.

Monday, March 21, 1994

I hope that when I get older I will have kids that will read this. I hope it will be like the Jetsons. Then I won't have to do housework. I like John Doody! (Here I drew a heart.) MAJOR cute alert! Other boys have liked me but they are not like him. I heard he LOVES me! I hope so. Parting is such sweet sorrow! K.A.C.

Oh, so many things. I am pretty sure I never gave a shit if the future was like the Jetsons. Also, I did like John. But, I would never actually say things like, major cute alert! I was lame, but not that lame. I think I was reading too many YA novels. And ... John never liked me. Mainly because he was a homosexual, now out and proud, but also, he never even pretended to like me so I am not sure where I was getting that from. I never had a clue he was gay, though in retrospect, there were signs. Like the year he got a black, suede, fringed jacket for Christmas and loved it. And how he was always trying to bone other dudes. Also, and this is unrelated, but he was the only Cubs fan in our entire class. I seriously didn't know there were so many Cubs fans until I was like, 22. I was like, what? People like the Cubs and aren't mocked for it? What's going on? I don't make fun of Cubs fans though because I think the whole rivalry is stupid, but there you have it.

Tuesday, June 18, 1994

Ode to John (Doody) (written in tiny letters, in case I forgot which John I was talking about, I guess?)

I love you with all my soul,
Please make my half a whole,
The one thing I am sure of
I can't live without your love
My heart aches for you
And I think -
What would I do
If I ever lost you
My lonely soul would wander,
My love, I would squander
On some less deserving friend
I would never feel this love again
No matter how long it had been

K.C.

Oh sweet mother of God. I think I knew even then that I didn't like him this much. This was possibly at the time I was reading some kind of V.C. Andrews novel or something. Or probably those Lurlene McDaniels, everyone's dying of cancer books (see an earlier entry about these books! Yes, I'm name-checking my own blog on the blog). But yeah ... this one's pretty self-explanatory. My heart yearned for him, OK?

Tuesday, April 30, 1996 (age 14)

I have not written in almost two years. I was such a dork back then. (Oh, 14-year-old me. You're still a dork. Even now, you are still a dork.) Now I have a dilemma. I like someone, but I can't tell my friends because they think he's a perv, so I can't be set up with him now. I also like Tom, but nothing will ever come of it. Oh well!

I have no idea who this perv is that I am talking about. I don't remember meeting a ton of guys as a freshman, I had one "boyfriend" named Dan who I dumped after like a day and we never even really saw each other. I don't know who Tom is either. Oh, if only I had written a poem about one of them. Or rather, an ode.

May 30, 1996

Marlene and Jorge broke up (names changed to protect myself) last week. I feel bad for her. Also, she called Eliza May and told her but didn't tell me til the next day. I like Eliza May, but I WAS FRIENDS WITH MARLENE FIRST! Jill went to Flipper without me! :( I don't know what's up with Sister Mary Therese (code name for the girl I am talking about here, who I still dislike, for the record.) When I talk to her around lots of people, we have lots in common, but when I talk to her just us, we're so quiet. I don't know. Maybe it's nothing.

It's not nothing. Sister Mary Therese is a massive bitch. And wow. I was self-involved much? Maybe Marlene didn't want to talk to a ton of people that day because she was sad she broke up with her boyfriend! I do still hate when people are friend stealers, like you introduce two friends and suddenly they are BFF but they never call you anymore? Yeah it's still kind of annoying.

Tuesday, Jan. 21, 1997 (age 15)

Today was Rachel's b-day. I forgot. Oh well. She wasn't mad. So far the new year is cool. I have the greatest friends in the whole wide world. I (here I drew a heart) them all to pieces (in a platonic way). I'm even begining to (heart) Mike, in a platonic way. This Friday is the Sophomore Dance. I'm so psyched! I'm going with Doherty. He's super nice. I just hope he has no rhythm either, like me. Peace.

Wow, not sure why I had to clarify platonic. Except I know it was a joke with all my friends to write Love ya, (not sexually) on notes to each other so that may have been way. Mike is Mike Berry, a guy we were friends with in high school. I apparently disliked him at some point, though I don't remember this. Since I went to an all-girls school, you had to bring a male date to the dance. You could not go as a group, or dateless. LAME. One girl in the junior class had her date cancel on her and brought a cardboard cutout of Luke Skywalker and it was quite the media sensation. It was a totally ridiculous rule that has thankfully been changed. That girl is kind of made of awesome. Anyway. Doherty was nice. I was spelling his name wrong too, it's actually Dougherty. He had no rhythm, too.

Monday, January 27, 1997

The dance was fun! John skipped wrestling to be on time! :) I (heart) Mike. We're throwing him a surprise birthday party. Betsy (big sis) was like "Aww!" At first she was like, "Ew, gross!" though. I wanna go to Marist Winter Formal! 'Ris is going with Mike Johnson, but she really wants to go with John. I can't let her know I still sorta like him. She feels bad already 'cuz she still does.

John also had my corsage delivered to my house because he originally thought he'd be late. What a sweet kid he was. We threw everyone surprise birthday parties for some reason that year, and they were all quite lame. Winter Formal drama. I badly wanted to go to this dance for some reason. I think because I really liked my sophomore dance dress and wanted to wear it again.

There you are. A nice little glimpse into my lame, lame life.