Sean Kingston's Summer Smash "Beautiful Girls" Makes My Ears Want to Committ Heara-Kiri

Friends. Something horrendous has been going on this summer. A violation of the senses so foul that it literally renders human and artistic development for the past century null and void. I am talking, of course, about the song Beautiful Girls. Please forgive the awful pun on hara-kiri, but it's late. And this song is so profoundly upsetting that it drives me to make tremendously awful puns.

I will provide a lyrical analysis in a moment, but first, a few highlights of what makes this song so unimaginably awful:

1. It tricks me into thinking it is a better song every time. This song borrows the bass line from Stand By Me. A great song, wonderful for slow dancing, movie soundtracks and just plain easy listening. I flip the radio stations a lot in my car and sometimes when I get back in I don't know what I was listening to. Each time this song starts, I have the happy thought "Oh goody, I must have been listening to the oldies station, it's Stand by Me!" This happy thought is cruelly ripped away from me moments later once Sean Kingston's weak, digitally-enhanced-to-within-inches-of-its-life voice kicks in. If you call that a voice. If there were a voice related joke like the one about brains my grandpa used to tell me (When they were giving out brains, you thought they said trains so you asked for a small one!) trust me, I'd use it here. And it would be brilliant.

2. It talks way too much about suicide in far too lilting and lighthearted of a tone.

3. It implies that one should not be too beautiful lest your boyfriend kill himself. How about, if your boyfriend can't handle your beauty you should just find a new boyfriend? Who wants to put up with that kind of crap?

4. It has an answer song. (scroll to see lyrics). From freaking JoJo. So many problems with that last one. First of all, answer songs are lame. Second, it's JOJO!! She's pre-pube. And she is providing your answer song. And it's basically the same song. With a few lyrics changed. Which means I hear the rancid notes sung by two digitally enhanced voices twice as much!! And it is clear that this is the real answer song, anyway.

Sean Kingston, "Beautiful Girls," a lyrical analysis

I have broken it into chunks.

Chorus:
You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over

Translation: Sean Kingston is saying: I have issues. Many, many issues of self-esteem. Instead of working through them, I am going to make it all your fault. It's your fault, girls! You make me hit you. YOU MAKE ME DO THIS! YOU MAKE ME SO MAD! And the always lovely guilt trip of threatening suicide if you break up with me is a surefire way to guarantee our love will last forever. I have found that that nothing is better than forcing someone to be in a relationship with you. Ahh, sweet, sweet unwilling lover, you will never leave me.

Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

Translation: Urban dictionary says that dirt, among many other things, is heroin. That makes sense in the sentence structure, at least. Essentially, Sean Kingston lets beautiful girls use him for heroin. They are junkies who don't care about him. Perhaps someone is bitter and spreading malicious rumors? Or hanging out with "beautiful girls" who only care about their next high?

Verse 1:
See it started at the park
Used to chill at the dark
Oh when you took my heart
That's when we fell apart

Translation: I am just going to assume this is literal. They hung out at the park. She took his heart. Notice the aggressive verbage he uses. Once again, he lays the blame on the girls. Oh, of course, she TOOK it from you. What an evil temptress. You had nothing to do with it. And of course, as soon as she took your heart by force, that is when the relationship was over. What a bitch.

Coz we both thought
That love lasts forever (lasts forever)
They say we're too young
To get ourselves sprung
Oh we didn't care
We made it very clear (check the slant rhyme, it makes it so deep!)
And they also said
That we couldn't last together (last together)

Translation: We don't know what love is. Apparently sprung means being "obsession being mistaken for love" so this lyric doesn't make sense. It should say they were only sprung, not in love. But Sean Kingston and his lady love don't care. They have told their friends and relatives to mind their own beeswax because they are in tru luv 4ever and they will always be 2gether and they do not care what u think u stupid meanies because they are gr8 for 1 anuther.

Refrain:
See it's very define, girl
One of a kind
But you mush up my mind
You walk to get declined
Oh Lord...My baby is driving me crazy(Repeat Chorus)

Translation: The first line does not make sense to me. I am guessing he means definite. She is one of a kind. But once again, everything is her fault! She mushes up her mind with her witchcraft. And she turns him down for sex. Thus she is driving him crazy because if she loved him she would, y'all. If you know what I mean.

Verse 2:
It was back in '99
Watchin' movies all the time
Oh when I went away
For doin' my first crime

Translation: This verse right here is where we know Sean Kingston is a damn liar. If he were watching movies all the time in '99 (therefore he is boring and never takes his girlfriend out!) how did he have time to commit a crime heinous enough to warrant prison time? Between movies and worrying about Y2K there is just no way he had time. Plus hardly anyone goes to prison on a first offense. I smell a rat.

And I never thought
That we was gonna see each other (see each other)
And then I came out
Mami moved me down South
O I'm with my girl
Who I thought was my world
It came out to be
That she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me)

Translation: I never thought we'd see each other when I got out of prison, because surely you'd have moved on. Also, I'm a big fat Mama's boy. And I moved down south and there you were. Or not you but another girl because really you are the same to me because I have some type of personality disorder (which is sad and not to be made fun of). I fall madly in love with every girl who talks to me but I really don't, it's all for self-gratification.

(Repeat Refrain and Chorus)

Verse 3:Now we're fussin
And now we're fightin'
Please tell me whyI'm feelin' slightin'
And I don't know
How to make it better (make it better)



Translation: I cannot handle where this is going because I have the emotional maturity of a 9- year-old.

You're datin' other guys
You're tellin' me lies
Oh I can't believe
What I'm seein' with my eyes
I'm losin' my mind
And I don't think it's clever (think it's clever)

Translation: I am deeply insecure and question your every move. At first this seems sweet but later gets scary and controlling. Soon I will alienate you from all of your friends and make sure they hate you until you have only me to turn to in your life. MUAHAHA.

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, suicidal...

Translation: Everything that goes wrong is ALL YOUR FAULT. NOW GO GET ME A TURKEY POT PIE.