I've got a new blog!

www.fitisthenewfat.blogspot.com

Check it out.

Dilettante Society Poll

What would you rather do for Dilettante Society?
Keep the June 20th meeting, with a different expert and have Cameron do a later meeting
Change to June 28 and have Cameron as our expert
I can volunteer to be or find an expert for the June 20 meeting.

View results

Free surveys

Icebreaker Speech

The following is an Icebreaker Speech I wrote for Toastmasters. It was my first speech I delivered for the club. I also brought pictures when I delivered it and I will scan them later.

Inside my red head

Today I am going to talk to you about my hair. It’s red. This spurs one of the questions I am most frequently asked – Are you Irish? It sounds even more original it sounds each time I hear it. Normally, this question is posed in a way that implies the person asking already knows the answer.

“You must be Irish, huh?” they’ll say with a knowing smile. Sometimes I wish I could answer no and completely blow their minds.

But yes, I am an American with Irish ancestry, and I have red hair, which is also frequently commented upon, usually by members of my family.

“Do something with that head of yours,” my mom might say. “Did you dye your pretty red hair? Why do you want your grandmother to cry?” “You’ve got a lot of gray.” (That last was said by a hairdresser who clearly didn’t want a tip.)

My parents, both Irish-Catholics from the South Side of Chicago, were pleased to be able to count a freckled redhead among their progeny. My brother and sister disappointed by being blond and brunette, respectively.

Growing up, all was well for many years – my mom would invent interesting new hairstyles for me to wear to school each day, I was quiet and never got in trouble at school, and when I was 7 I got a cute shoulder-length bob. Yes, everything was great. Until I experienced an emotionally scarring experience that some may consider a rite of passage – a truly tragic haircut. It started with my sister. My mom took her to the hairdresser to get a modified wedge. What was a wedge referring to, you might say? At that time it meant a mushroom cut, or bowl haircut – think Dorothy Hamill, or Joey Lawrence from his Gimme a Break days .A modified wedge was something far more sinister.

A modified wedge was a cut that was just completely short all over. Picture a boys’ haircut in 1988 – this was the haircut that my mom got for me and my sister. To style it, she’d do a gel and comb-over method. I looked like Alex P. Keaton in a plaid jumper.

That was in second grade, and people were still talking about that haircut in grade 8. As graduation approached, Jenny Kent, the most popular girl in my class, cornered me in the bathroom one day and inquired if I had lost my hair in second grade due to illness, and that was why I had that horrible haircut. It was like she knew it was her last chance to get the answer to this burning question. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re still talking about that haircut.

I refused to ever have my hair that short again. Aside from a brief sixth-grade interest in having awesome bangs, I also lost interest in styling it. At my all girls’ high school, styling your hair meant MAYBE you washed it that day. It was a point of pride how many pens you could fit in your bun. I still don’t enjoy the hassle of doing my hair.

However, when I was in college, my sorority sister Melissa Pirolli introduced to the wonders of the gold-plated straightener – and I’ve never looked back. This magical instrument could reduce my coarse, fluffy hair into … while not a shiny waterfall of hair, a less coarse, shinier version of itself. My hair could be so much flatter! It was amazing.

Since then, I’ve experimented with ion straighteners, ceramic straighteners, the CHI and the HAI.
For those of you who don’t know, the CHI and the HAI are to hair straightening what the 2005 White Sox were to baseball – amazing, and capable of things you never dreamed possible.

My hair became especially important when I started getting involved in comedy. I’ve studied at Second City and the IO theater. Growing up, I was always the shy girl. In grade school, I spoke so rarely that all the boys would shout at me during recess “Kristin, are you trying to say something? Kristin, are you trying to say something?” I found I could barely muster the guts to say “Not to you!” I was terrified of talking to people. I got much older as I got older, but I never would have imagined that performing was something that I could be good at. I was used to my muttered jokes being stolen by my louder friends …

But studying improv was something I turned out to actually be good at. It’s a lot easier for me to be on stage in front of a large group than it is to have a one-on-one conversation. I’m not going to be famous anytime soon, but I’ve performed at Second City in several shows and with my sketch group there, and at Chicago Sketchfest.

What does hair have to do with this? Well, having perfect hair when performing can increase your confidence by 115%. It’s proven. I still count my blessings that I found my hairdresser before my audition for the Second City Conservatory. This audition was a big deal – my idols like Tina Fey and Stephen Colbert were graduates. I knew that if I wanted to make it on my first try, I had to have perfect hair.

Thankfully, I had already discovered Goran Cobanovski, a delightful, heterosexual, Macedonian man who always tells me I’m pretty. Under the tutelage of Vidal Sassoon, Goran learned methods of styling that give me the shampoo-commercial hair I’d always dreamed of.

The day of the audition, I took off work in order to get my hair done beforehand , and arrived, face framed by glossy perfection. I nailed the audition (something Tina Fey failed to do!) and got my acceptance letter a few weeks later. Improv has been great for me, providing a creative outlet and so many new friends.

Through it all, Goran’s always there for me, doing my hair for my first sketch show, on my birthday, and other special occasions. I hope to soon embark into the terrifying world of stand-up, and I know Goran will be styling my hair for my first show.

Welcome to My Feelings Journal

I rarely, if ever, write anything personal on this blog. Actually, I don't think I ever really have, save for my feelings about John Mellencamp ... anyway. I recently re-read my old diary. It spans several years, but only has about seven entries. It is utterly ridiculous and I wish I had kept more diaries because, like most people's diaries, it is comedy gold.

Note: These pictures are from 8th grade graduation. I feel I look disturbingly the same.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are all the entries it contains. I have included my thoughts and insights from the present in italics.

Monday, Jan. 31, 1994 (age 12)

Today was a pretty good day. We had a dino-decorating contest. Sheila (name changed). pushed me in the snow. I wish I could be a lot skinnier. I am mad at Kelli. Tomorrow we have a musical program and Book Fair at school. I have a good idea for teaching the class. Bye!

I remember this dino-decorating contest, I believe they were cookies. Sheila was a huge bully and emotionally disturbed. She used to get technical fouls called on her in junior high basketball and she was always fouling out for knocking people down. In junior high girls' basketball! There is no need to get that intense. Also, she tried telling the class that her parents adopted a baby, and brought in pictures of said baby, but they were clearly pictures of herself as an infant. Also, also! In one shining moment of aggression in my shy life, she was mocking me for being in the Battle of the Books (which I won twice, OK?) and I said "Whatever, Sheila. Some day I am going to be a successful lawyer, and you will be shaking a tin can begging for change on the street, and I will walk right by you." That is a really bitchy thing for me to say, true, and I don't know where it came from. Kelli is my sister. I am not sure what I was mad at her about, but given that we were 12 and 15 and shared a room, we annoyed each other a lot.

Tuesday, February 1, 1994

Today was an okay day. We had to practice for the concert. More about the concert later. Bye for now!

I never updated, but the concert was a selection of songs from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which we later went to see. The hottest biblical musical to hit the Catholic school system in ... ever.

Thursday, February 10, 1994

Sorry I have not written. Yesterday I saw Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was good. I got opera glasses for $8. I am an (I can't read the word I wrote next - I had to do remedial handwriting exercises in grade three because my handwriting was so poor. It had improved by this time but still, no effing clue what I wrote. DIARY OF MYSTERY!!) Stephanie M. is so rude! I don't like her much.

We went to see Joseph at the Chicago Theater. There are naked ladies painted on the ceiling and the boys used my opera glasses to look at them. Stephanie M. was my best friend in kindergarten and together we ruled the school. Then we were not really friends but not not friends, you know, until all her friends dropped her in grade 7 and we became best friends, but when they came back she dropped me like a hot potato. Girls are nice.

Monday, March 21, 1994

I hope that when I get older I will have kids that will read this. I hope it will be like the Jetsons. Then I won't have to do housework. I like John Doody! (Here I drew a heart.) MAJOR cute alert! Other boys have liked me but they are not like him. I heard he LOVES me! I hope so. Parting is such sweet sorrow! K.A.C.

Oh, so many things. I am pretty sure I never gave a shit if the future was like the Jetsons. Also, I did like John. But, I would never actually say things like, major cute alert! I was lame, but not that lame. I think I was reading too many YA novels. And ... John never liked me. Mainly because he was a homosexual, now out and proud, but also, he never even pretended to like me so I am not sure where I was getting that from. I never had a clue he was gay, though in retrospect, there were signs. Like the year he got a black, suede, fringed jacket for Christmas and loved it. And how he was always trying to bone other dudes. Also, and this is unrelated, but he was the only Cubs fan in our entire class. I seriously didn't know there were so many Cubs fans until I was like, 22. I was like, what? People like the Cubs and aren't mocked for it? What's going on? I don't make fun of Cubs fans though because I think the whole rivalry is stupid, but there you have it.

Tuesday, June 18, 1994

Ode to John (Doody) (written in tiny letters, in case I forgot which John I was talking about, I guess?)

I love you with all my soul,
Please make my half a whole,
The one thing I am sure of
I can't live without your love
My heart aches for you
And I think -
What would I do
If I ever lost you
My lonely soul would wander,
My love, I would squander
On some less deserving friend
I would never feel this love again
No matter how long it had been

K.C.

Oh sweet mother of God. I think I knew even then that I didn't like him this much. This was possibly at the time I was reading some kind of V.C. Andrews novel or something. Or probably those Lurlene McDaniels, everyone's dying of cancer books (see an earlier entry about these books! Yes, I'm name-checking my own blog on the blog). But yeah ... this one's pretty self-explanatory. My heart yearned for him, OK?

Tuesday, April 30, 1996 (age 14)

I have not written in almost two years. I was such a dork back then. (Oh, 14-year-old me. You're still a dork. Even now, you are still a dork.) Now I have a dilemma. I like someone, but I can't tell my friends because they think he's a perv, so I can't be set up with him now. I also like Tom, but nothing will ever come of it. Oh well!

I have no idea who this perv is that I am talking about. I don't remember meeting a ton of guys as a freshman, I had one "boyfriend" named Dan who I dumped after like a day and we never even really saw each other. I don't know who Tom is either. Oh, if only I had written a poem about one of them. Or rather, an ode.

May 30, 1996

Marlene and Jorge broke up (names changed to protect myself) last week. I feel bad for her. Also, she called Eliza May and told her but didn't tell me til the next day. I like Eliza May, but I WAS FRIENDS WITH MARLENE FIRST! Jill went to Flipper without me! :( I don't know what's up with Sister Mary Therese (code name for the girl I am talking about here, who I still dislike, for the record.) When I talk to her around lots of people, we have lots in common, but when I talk to her just us, we're so quiet. I don't know. Maybe it's nothing.

It's not nothing. Sister Mary Therese is a massive bitch. And wow. I was self-involved much? Maybe Marlene didn't want to talk to a ton of people that day because she was sad she broke up with her boyfriend! I do still hate when people are friend stealers, like you introduce two friends and suddenly they are BFF but they never call you anymore? Yeah it's still kind of annoying.

Tuesday, Jan. 21, 1997 (age 15)

Today was Rachel's b-day. I forgot. Oh well. She wasn't mad. So far the new year is cool. I have the greatest friends in the whole wide world. I (here I drew a heart) them all to pieces (in a platonic way). I'm even begining to (heart) Mike, in a platonic way. This Friday is the Sophomore Dance. I'm so psyched! I'm going with Doherty. He's super nice. I just hope he has no rhythm either, like me. Peace.

Wow, not sure why I had to clarify platonic. Except I know it was a joke with all my friends to write Love ya, (not sexually) on notes to each other so that may have been way. Mike is Mike Berry, a guy we were friends with in high school. I apparently disliked him at some point, though I don't remember this. Since I went to an all-girls school, you had to bring a male date to the dance. You could not go as a group, or dateless. LAME. One girl in the junior class had her date cancel on her and brought a cardboard cutout of Luke Skywalker and it was quite the media sensation. It was a totally ridiculous rule that has thankfully been changed. That girl is kind of made of awesome. Anyway. Doherty was nice. I was spelling his name wrong too, it's actually Dougherty. He had no rhythm, too.

Monday, January 27, 1997

The dance was fun! John skipped wrestling to be on time! :) I (heart) Mike. We're throwing him a surprise birthday party. Betsy (big sis) was like "Aww!" At first she was like, "Ew, gross!" though. I wanna go to Marist Winter Formal! 'Ris is going with Mike Johnson, but she really wants to go with John. I can't let her know I still sorta like him. She feels bad already 'cuz she still does.

John also had my corsage delivered to my house because he originally thought he'd be late. What a sweet kid he was. We threw everyone surprise birthday parties for some reason that year, and they were all quite lame. Winter Formal drama. I badly wanted to go to this dance for some reason. I think because I really liked my sophomore dance dress and wanted to wear it again.

There you are. A nice little glimpse into my lame, lame life.

Hipsters Ride their Giant Bikes to the Oedipus Complex

I start this with a disclaimer saying that I love hipsters. Oh hipsters. Being around you makes me feel young again. When I am in a crowd of you and you don't look at me askance, I feel like I might not be as old as I feel. And I just found out last Thursday that you like cookies. I had thought that you subsisted on a diet composed solely of foods available only in limited quantities, for a brief period of time, that were ironically packaged and simultaneously retro and modern. Imagine my delight when I discovered you enjoyed simple things like cookies.

Anyhow, that aside, I have noticed that a common mode of hipster transport seems to be the oversize bicycles. While many people in Chicago ride bicycles, it must be said that the only people I have noticed riding these giant bikes are hipsters. I am not sure why this is so - did you guys decide at your monthly hipster meeting? Are you making these bikes from recycled parts? Do these bikes need the momentum of ironic social commentary in addition to fierce pedaling in order to move? I do not know. I only know that I have seen many people riding these bikes, and all were hipsters.

This brings me to my point. Hipsters, I am worried for you. Those bikes are so high, and you are more often than not so waiflike and frail. I fear you are pedaling straight for disaster!! For you see, much like Oedipus suffered from hubris or excessive pride, I fear you too, hipsters will suffer his tragic fate. I do not necessarily think you will inadvertantly kill you biological father over the belief you have the right of way, but I do feel that by placing yourself so high above the rest of us, you are setting yourself up for an even longer fall from grace.

Oh hipsters. Someday a good gust of wind, a baby seal or a Coke can will befoul your path, and then, then, you will tumble down from your high perch, crushing several fragile bones along the way. You might think that the Hush Puppies you bought at Thom McCann will protect you, but they will not.

I fear for your safety, hipsters! Please, invest in some normal-sized bicycles. No one should have to climb onto their bicycle. Stop trying so hard, hipsters. Just throw one leg over your normal bike and pedal fast. You'll get to the obscure rock shows faster that way.

Sean Kingston's Summer Smash "Beautiful Girls" Makes My Ears Want to Committ Heara-Kiri

Friends. Something horrendous has been going on this summer. A violation of the senses so foul that it literally renders human and artistic development for the past century null and void. I am talking, of course, about the song Beautiful Girls. Please forgive the awful pun on hara-kiri, but it's late. And this song is so profoundly upsetting that it drives me to make tremendously awful puns.

I will provide a lyrical analysis in a moment, but first, a few highlights of what makes this song so unimaginably awful:

1. It tricks me into thinking it is a better song every time. This song borrows the bass line from Stand By Me. A great song, wonderful for slow dancing, movie soundtracks and just plain easy listening. I flip the radio stations a lot in my car and sometimes when I get back in I don't know what I was listening to. Each time this song starts, I have the happy thought "Oh goody, I must have been listening to the oldies station, it's Stand by Me!" This happy thought is cruelly ripped away from me moments later once Sean Kingston's weak, digitally-enhanced-to-within-inches-of-its-life voice kicks in. If you call that a voice. If there were a voice related joke like the one about brains my grandpa used to tell me (When they were giving out brains, you thought they said trains so you asked for a small one!) trust me, I'd use it here. And it would be brilliant.

2. It talks way too much about suicide in far too lilting and lighthearted of a tone.

3. It implies that one should not be too beautiful lest your boyfriend kill himself. How about, if your boyfriend can't handle your beauty you should just find a new boyfriend? Who wants to put up with that kind of crap?

4. It has an answer song. (scroll to see lyrics). From freaking JoJo. So many problems with that last one. First of all, answer songs are lame. Second, it's JOJO!! She's pre-pube. And she is providing your answer song. And it's basically the same song. With a few lyrics changed. Which means I hear the rancid notes sung by two digitally enhanced voices twice as much!! And it is clear that this is the real answer song, anyway.

Sean Kingston, "Beautiful Girls," a lyrical analysis

I have broken it into chunks.

Chorus:
You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over

Translation: Sean Kingston is saying: I have issues. Many, many issues of self-esteem. Instead of working through them, I am going to make it all your fault. It's your fault, girls! You make me hit you. YOU MAKE ME DO THIS! YOU MAKE ME SO MAD! And the always lovely guilt trip of threatening suicide if you break up with me is a surefire way to guarantee our love will last forever. I have found that that nothing is better than forcing someone to be in a relationship with you. Ahh, sweet, sweet unwilling lover, you will never leave me.

Damn all these beautiful girls
They only wanna do your dirt
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over

Translation: Urban dictionary says that dirt, among many other things, is heroin. That makes sense in the sentence structure, at least. Essentially, Sean Kingston lets beautiful girls use him for heroin. They are junkies who don't care about him. Perhaps someone is bitter and spreading malicious rumors? Or hanging out with "beautiful girls" who only care about their next high?

Verse 1:
See it started at the park
Used to chill at the dark
Oh when you took my heart
That's when we fell apart

Translation: I am just going to assume this is literal. They hung out at the park. She took his heart. Notice the aggressive verbage he uses. Once again, he lays the blame on the girls. Oh, of course, she TOOK it from you. What an evil temptress. You had nothing to do with it. And of course, as soon as she took your heart by force, that is when the relationship was over. What a bitch.

Coz we both thought
That love lasts forever (lasts forever)
They say we're too young
To get ourselves sprung
Oh we didn't care
We made it very clear (check the slant rhyme, it makes it so deep!)
And they also said
That we couldn't last together (last together)

Translation: We don't know what love is. Apparently sprung means being "obsession being mistaken for love" so this lyric doesn't make sense. It should say they were only sprung, not in love. But Sean Kingston and his lady love don't care. They have told their friends and relatives to mind their own beeswax because they are in tru luv 4ever and they will always be 2gether and they do not care what u think u stupid meanies because they are gr8 for 1 anuther.

Refrain:
See it's very define, girl
One of a kind
But you mush up my mind
You walk to get declined
Oh Lord...My baby is driving me crazy(Repeat Chorus)

Translation: The first line does not make sense to me. I am guessing he means definite. She is one of a kind. But once again, everything is her fault! She mushes up her mind with her witchcraft. And she turns him down for sex. Thus she is driving him crazy because if she loved him she would, y'all. If you know what I mean.

Verse 2:
It was back in '99
Watchin' movies all the time
Oh when I went away
For doin' my first crime

Translation: This verse right here is where we know Sean Kingston is a damn liar. If he were watching movies all the time in '99 (therefore he is boring and never takes his girlfriend out!) how did he have time to commit a crime heinous enough to warrant prison time? Between movies and worrying about Y2K there is just no way he had time. Plus hardly anyone goes to prison on a first offense. I smell a rat.

And I never thought
That we was gonna see each other (see each other)
And then I came out
Mami moved me down South
O I'm with my girl
Who I thought was my world
It came out to be
That she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me)

Translation: I never thought we'd see each other when I got out of prison, because surely you'd have moved on. Also, I'm a big fat Mama's boy. And I moved down south and there you were. Or not you but another girl because really you are the same to me because I have some type of personality disorder (which is sad and not to be made fun of). I fall madly in love with every girl who talks to me but I really don't, it's all for self-gratification.

(Repeat Refrain and Chorus)

Verse 3:Now we're fussin
And now we're fightin'
Please tell me whyI'm feelin' slightin'
And I don't know
How to make it better (make it better)



Translation: I cannot handle where this is going because I have the emotional maturity of a 9- year-old.

You're datin' other guys
You're tellin' me lies
Oh I can't believe
What I'm seein' with my eyes
I'm losin' my mind
And I don't think it's clever (think it's clever)

Translation: I am deeply insecure and question your every move. At first this seems sweet but later gets scary and controlling. Soon I will alienate you from all of your friends and make sure they hate you until you have only me to turn to in your life. MUAHAHA.

You're way too beautiful girl
That's why it'll never work
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal, suicidal...

Translation: Everything that goes wrong is ALL YOUR FAULT. NOW GO GET ME A TURKEY POT PIE.

Words of Wisdom From Bally Nutrition

When I first joined Bally's last year, I got a free month-long online membership to their Web site. On the Web site, you could sign up to get health and weight loss tips over e-mail. I was like, hmm well, I can always use good ideas, why not sign up? Well ... these tips are not so much helpful, but many of them are comedy gold (at least to me). I have been saving them, and now I will share some favorites with you, as well as my thoughts on them.

When ordering a meal, or a high-calorie beverage, order the size that you would like to be. Would you like to be small, medium, large, or super sized? It is up to you! You make the choice. This is an easy way to limit your portion sizes while eating out. Remind yourself of what you want to look like when you're ordering your meal! You can do it! Order wisely while eating out and feel great about yourself.

Wow. Holy crap. This was the first tip that I got from them ... and possibly my favorite one as well. First of all, who the eff is going to be thinking "I want to be super sized?!" No one!! At least, not anyone WHO HAS SIGNED UP TO RECEIVE WEIGHT LOSS TIPS. Idiots. And also, anyone who has signed up for weight loss tips should probably NOT be ordering meals anyplace where super-size is an option. Nor should they be ordering high-calorie beverages!! What kind of dolts think to themselves "Well, I want to lose weight, so I must limit my calories. And also, I will waste a good portion of those calories on a beverage that will not fill me up or offer much nutritional value at all." Yeah.

Basically, this tip could be boiled down to one sentence: "If you want to lose weight, eat less food."

Spice up your life and your meal plan! Spices are a simple way to add flavor without the calories. Try adding cinnamon to your cereal and smoothies, or garlic powder to your green beans. Experiment with spices you've never used. Ever tried curry, cumin, tarragon, or ginger spice? Each of these spices has exotic tangs that can enrich any dish. Spices will open your taste buds up to a realm of flavors you never knew existed!

OK, so in theory, I can't fault this tip, adding spices IS a good way to make plain, or really healthy food, taste better while not adding too many calories, etc. But I have to disagree on one point ... I know that flavors such as curry, cumin, tarragon and ginger exist, Bally's. They're not that mysterious. Why do you assume I never used curry? Or cumin or tarragon? That's so RACIST, Bally's. Geesh. I'm disappointed.

Hmmmm, should I eat a donut or toast for breakfast? Each day we are faced with tough food decisions. From food billboard advertisements on our way to work, to food commercials while we are watching TV, we are constantly bombarded with fattening, high calorie food. Make the right decision. Think before you eat, and make sure the calories are worth it. If you're not sure of a food's caloric make-up, look it up on www.ballynutrition.com.

Wow. I shouldn't eat donuts if I want to lose weight?! Thanks for the insight, Bally's. And it's not a soul-draining decision to decide not to eat a donut. (I'm being overly cynical, I get their point and can appreciate the sentiment, but seriously? The intern who writes these was clearly slacking this week).

Do You BOSU? The BOSU Balance Trainer, one of the hottest new exercise devices around, has come to Bally Total Fitness clubs. The BOSU is a bubble-shaped apparatus placed on the floor. BOSU stands for "Both Sides Up," as both sides can be used, depending on your exercise goals. The BOSU can help improve general athletic performance, strength, body tone, balance and overall body awareness. For more information on the BOSU, contact your local Bally Total Fitness club.

This tip is a completely transparent product placement!!! I also hate acronyms that have an extra letter. I know Bo is from both, but then you have S for sides and U for up. That just doesn't make sense! That O is just in there to make it a pronouncable acronym. Grr. Also, I am sure it is a great workout, but when people use them, they just look like assholes. But not as big of assholes and those people with the giant sticks who walk slowly arond the track. Those people look dumb. But I'm sure their glutes look fantastic. Or whatever.

I have so many more but I have grown weary of typing.